


Uprooted

by NightFlowerLuv, Zaerosz



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, go hard or go home, gratuitous overdevelopment of minor characters, like so many more holy shit, more tags to add later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2019-11-12 22:06:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightFlowerLuv/pseuds/NightFlowerLuv, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaerosz/pseuds/Zaerosz
Summary: On the day I woke up in this world, memories in pieces and nothing but a disgusting fruit and pop culture references to guide my path, I knew I was in over my head. Getting arrested by a military officer who executed people who looked at him funny and tied to a guy whose only talents are glaring and cutting things up only made that more clear. By the time the guy made of rubber showed up, I had long since accepted how crazy the world I was in was, and honestly? I was okay with it — excited, even.A crazy world calls for crazy people, wouldn’t you say?





	1. Sun-Dried Tomatoes

"Well this sucks," I muttered, arms spread wide across the crossed posts I'd been tied to in the middle of a courtyard so barren and dusty just looking at it made me want to sneeze.

"You've been here for like an hour," the green-haired _asshole_ tied to the other side of the posts snorted. "I'm in..." Zoro paused, mumbling something to himself. "Day nineteen? Kinda started blurring together at some point. Might have been the heatstroke."

"Day _eight_ , dude. But yeah, how are you not even sunburned? I start turning red after an hour or two, tops."

"Because I'm awesome like that."

"Of course you are, buddy."

Zoro paused, the bands of rope shifting against my wrists as he readjusted himself. "So why'd they string you up? Thought you talked your way into the captain's good books."

* * *

_I felt the barrel of a rifle prod me, for the fifth time in the last half hour, in my precariously-balancing ankle as I teetered atop a ladder that violated half the basic principles of OSHA to repaint the Marine base's gate sign. "Hurry up, civvie," the grunt grunted, glancing about as if he half expected Captain Morgan himself to pop out from behind the corner at any moment. "Cap'n wanted this sign repainted yesterday, it's both our asses on the line if it's not finished before he gets back." As if I wasn’t already doing his job for him._

_"This would be going a lot faster," I ground out, hands covered in wet paint as I clung to the sign for dear life, "if you would stop_ jabbing me in the ankles! _" It was a bit muffled on account of the paint can's handle clenched between my teeth, but he seemed to get the gist of it. "Now toss me the roller, will you?"_

 _Now, nothing against this soldier in particular, but he'd have been right at home in a Stormtrooper platoon. The 'tossed' paint roller, instead of passing anywhere near my hands, hit me right in the goddamn eye, and my jaw reflexively snapped open as I yelled out in pain and clutched at my face. Which, of course, meant the paint can fell. And because nothing is ever bad_ enough _, the ever-smug Helmeppo waltzed through the open gate right at that bloody moment._

_At least now he'll have to change that hideous bowlcut. And the purple suit. God, what is it with rich assholes and purple suits?_

* * *

I shrugged unconvincingly, not that my partner in un-crime could see it. "Captain's son had a bad day."

The post shook against my back as Zoro outright cackled. “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy!”

“Yeah, but it would’ve been nice to at least get to wash the paint off my face before it dried,” I muttered. “I look like I got bombed by the world’s biggest seagull.”

“Yeah, you’re gonna have the world’s _worst_ tanlines.”

I just groaned in response, already dreading the wait I was in for. Depending on the adaptation, I was in for either a day or almost two weeks before help was going to arrive, and to be perfectly honest, neither option was particularly appealing. Worth it for the payoff, but still, slowly starving to death in public isn’t generally how most people would expect to start their time in a fictional world.

Though I guess I should probably have started with, you know, the _actual_ start.

* * *

_“—king up! Mom, he’s waking up!”_

_I groaned into the pillow, squirming deeper under the blankets. “No ‘m not. Sleepin.”_

_“Well, I guess you don’t need breakfast then, do you? I made pancakes~”_

_And then I promptly rolled right out of bed. “’Right, fine, ‘m up. Gimme pancake.”_

_…Wait. My house doesn’t have wooden floors._

_No, no, bigger issue here, who the hell is talking to me? I quickly glanced around the room, brain beginning to wake up as I processed what I was seeing - a sparse wooden room, just a bed, end table and a wooden box against the wall (guest room, I guess?). A door, left wide open and looking out on the back end of another room (tables and chairs, I could hear people and smell food, maybe a diner?). Small child, red-brown hair, mouth moving a lot, noise happening at my ears, oh she’s talking._  

_“…youuuu aren’t familiar,” I mumbled, propping myself up on my forearms and feeling my entire spine pop and shift. “Why are you in my house.” Wait, no, already determined this wasn’t my house. “No, that’s not… Why am I in your house?”_

_“Officer Rokkaku was leading a patrol around the docks,” the other voice chimed in, and an older woman stepped around the child- the girl standing in the door. Looked strangely familiar, but not in a personal way, more of a strange ‘I almost know who you are’ way. “They found you floating facedown in the water - you weren’t even breathing when the Marines pulled you out.”_

_That got my attention. “This place has_ Marines? _” I practically screeched, jumping bolt upright… then desperately clutched the airborne blanket to my almost completely bare body. “Better question,” I continued, the woman stifling a chuckle. “Where the f- the heck are my clothes?”_

_“Hey!” the kid snapped, racing over to swat me on the shins, a blow I valiantly endured in place of risking losing my impromptu cloak. “No swearing, mister!”_

_“I very specifically,” I said slowly and deliberately, trying and gradually failing to keep my composure, “did_ not _swear. Now. Clothes. Where is._ Please _.”_

_Staring up at me and blinking in confusion, the little girl wordlessly pointed to the trunk at the foot of the bed, and I nearly bowled her over in my rush to get something covering my skin. I hunkered down under the blanket, turning it from cloak to dressing room as I crammed myself into blessedly familiar clothing - a plain yellow T-shirt with the barest hints of a long-faded cartoon face, old blue slightly-too-long jeans with the knees and heels worn through, a heavy canvas-and-leather black jacket whose inner lining had torn seams in places._

_I took a moment, huddled under the thin blanket, to just settle myself and collect my thoughts. ‘_ Okay. Focus. You’re alive, you’re breathing. You’ve got your clothes. No shoes, but you can do without shoes. You can freak out later. Just… just get your bearings. _’ Breathing. Yes. Breathing is good. In, out. In, out. Okay._

_With that, I tossed the blanket off myself, stretching my arms above my head to another symphony of popping joints and creaking muscles. “Right!” I beamed, shoving my hands into my pockets. “Well, thank you for taking care of me, but I’m afraid I don’t have anything to repay you with. If there’s anything you need…”_

_“Your name would be a good start, I think,” the girl’s mother replied, and I opened my mouth to reply-_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_“Um… mister, are you alright?” The girl asked, staring up at me with an expression of obvious concern._

_“…Um,” I managed, struggling to kick my brain back into gear. “Uh, yeah, just… just give me a second?”_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_“I, uh… I seem to have… forgotten my name,” I stammered, brain working overtime to try and find something, anything that might be right, but nothing came. “I’m- what?” Come to think of it, I couldn’t seem to remember what happened to have me end up in the ocean either. Unless geography had decided to shit its pants, the nearest beach was over an hour away by car. And Marines? Did New Zealand even have marines?_

_“Ah…” My head snapped back over to the woman, who looked almost as confused and worried as her daughter. “I- I found something in one of your pockets while we were washing your clothes - it might help you remember something?” She pulled open a drawer in the end table, lifting out a small black box with a combination lock. Within a few seconds, the lid popped open, and she lifted out the contents-_

_And my blood ran cold._

_“Ohhhh you can’t be serious,” I half-whispered, reaching out to take the object before I even knew my hand was moving. The moment my fingers made contact, a strange tingle ran up my arm, feeling almost like an electric heartbeat pulsing out of the fruit in my hands._

_A single, sunrise-pink apple covered in interweaving patterns of spirals, seeming to shift as I tried to follow them._

_The thought that I was holding a genuine Devil Fruit in my own two hands barely even crossed my mind before it was in my mouth._

_…_

_“Oh my god, this is the single worst thing I’ve ever tasted,” I murmured in quiet awe and more than a little naked horror, my gag reflex seemingly deciding this wasn’t worth the effort as a parade of rancid ogre toenails drenched in spoiled milk ran a conga line over my tastebuds. “Oh my actual god. I’m never going to be able to un-taste this, am I?”_

_“It can’t be that bad, can it?” the little girl asked, snatching the depowered fruit from my hand and taking a bite herself. Then promptly barfed in the trunk._

_I gave her baffled and more than slightly horrified mother a deliberately calm look, tears gathering at the corners of my eyes as I forced myself to speak past the miasma of foul taste occupying my mouth. “Do you have anything strong enough to get this flavor out?” I asked, the slightest tremor in my words. “Anything at all? Vinegar? Hot sauce?”_

_“I’ll, uh… see what I can do?” she haltingly replied, still watching her daughter claw frantically at her own tongue as she left the room._

* * *

So yeah, I’ve been whiling away the time doing oddjobs around town while I waited for basically _anything_ to happen. Zoro showed up a little over a week ago and promptly got himself arrested for decking Helmeppo in the face - I think he killed Helmeppo’s pet wolf originally, but I managed to keep the big fluffy bugger from making too much of a scene by distracting it with a cut of steak.

Turns out the wolf’s name is Solo, by the way. Weird coincidence. He apparently decided he liked me better than that asshole, so now Ririka’s café has a guard dog. Wolf. Dire wolf? I don’t even know, he’s _huge_. Little more training and Rika could probably ride him around like a horse. Half the time I wake up in the middle of the night completely numb below the waist because he decided to curl up on my bed, and therefore my legs.

I think I’m getting sidetracked.

Oddjobs, yes! I picked up some tips from my handyman dad growing up on Earth - I’m not particularly _good_ at anything, but I’m good _enough_ that people will pay me to save them some time. Leaky roofing, crooked furniture, clogged toilets, fence replacement, that sort of thing. Gives me a good excuse to raid people’s gardens too.

Oh, yeah, that’s my Devil Fruit thing. I call it the Sprout-Sprout Fruit - if I eat enough of a plant, I can grow more of it from my body. I’ve tried to keep it under wraps so that Captain Morgan doesn’t get paranoid, or try and kill me for it, but I’ve built up a decent stock of options. Speaking of which…

“Yo, Zoro,” I called over my shoulder, “you hungry?”

His response was for his stomach to growl so viciously the post trembled a little. “I haven’t eaten in like a week, what do you think?” he grumbled… before falling silent as a ripe, shiny red apple descended before his eyes, suspended from a tree branch growing out of my shoulder.

I shook from side to side a little, wiggling the fruit in front of his face. “Neat trick, huh?” A moment’s focus, and the branch curled down to lower the apple to his mouth. “I’ll put it on your tab when we get out of-”

My shoulder suddenly jerked back against the post when, as I was later told, Zoro snagged the apple clean off the branch, tossed it in the air with his _teeth_ , and ate the whole thing in one bite. After the frenzied noshing subsided, he let out the happiest sound I’d heard from him since I met him, sighing in contentment as he sagged against the wooden cross. “Oh, that hit the spot,” he finally said, chuckling lightly. “I owe you one, man.”

“Pffffff! Nah, dude, we’re good. I can’t do that super often, though, so make it count.” I haven’t quite figured out the details of this power yet, but I get pretty tired and hungry if I grow too much stuff. Calorie counts, maybe? Man, if this was Toriko instead I’d fit in way better.

“What’s your name, anyway?”

“...uh, call me Mista,” I replied after a moment’s stammering. I started going by that after the first few days because Rika kept calling me ‘mister’ and it just kind of stuck. Seriously, why the hell could I remember everything _except_ my name? That seems uncomfortably deliberate. At least they believed my amnesia cover story.

“And you’re Roronoa Zoro, obviously,” I continued, sprouting a vine to start doodling in the dust at our feet. “Ain’t nobody else in the East Blue who’d be crazy enough to fight with three swords at once… except a fishman, maybe? Octopuses have a lot of arms. Wait, no, octo _pi_ -” I cut myself off with a frustrated gurgle. “Sorry, I ramble.”

“I can tell,” came the dry response that I could _hear_ the smirk in.

…

…

…

“This is maximum boring,” I muttered.

“Don’t you even _start._ ”

…

…

…

“Hey, Zoro.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve been here over a week, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“...how have you been going to the toilet?”

“Eh, I just hold it. Not like I’m getting much food or water anyway, so…”

I grimaced, my guts reflexively cramping at the thought. “Yeesh. Remind me to leave you a plunger when you next get to a toilet.”

…

“...hey Zoro.”

“What.”

In the gravest, most ominous voice I could muster, I intoned: “ _Three Plunger Style: Dragon Shitter._ ”

Zoro promptly burst out cackling. “Oh, fuck you!” he managed to get out between gasps for breath, shaking the entire cross with his laughter.

“No, no, wait, how about _Tiger Crap?_ ”

“You’re so lucky we’re tied up, you asshole!”

“Your words say ‘fuck you’ but your laughter tells the truth!”

…

…

…

“We’re gonna be here for a long time, aren’t we.”

“Yep.”

* * *

“Rise and shine, choreboy!” _SPLASH!_

My return to the waking world was punctuated by a bucket of icy cold water being dumped over my head. “GAK- What the f-” I swore, jerking into consciousness, my eyes snapping wide open to behold the _smuggest_ expression ever formed upon a mortal face.

Helmeppo leaned down to cackle in my face, _just_ out of headbutt range. “Can’t have you skipping out on your punishment by sleeping the day away, can we, choreboy?” he sneered. A rank-and-file Marine stood nearby with the empty bucket, intently looking anywhere but at me.

I just rolled my eyes, scoffing under my breath. “It’s literally your own fault you got splatted, jackass,” I retorted. “How did you _not_ see the ladder right in the middle of the gate?” Hang on… I paused a moment, squinting at his dome-shaped hairdo. “Wait… are you wearing a _wig?_ ”

My captor’s grin froze, his eye twitching slightly as his smile became all teeth. “Well, your little _accident_ ,” he hissed, “necessitated some… less than pleasant changes-”

“You’re bald now, aren’t you,” I deadpanned, taking a strange amount of satisfaction in watching him swell with impotent rage. He responded, to my surprise, by kicking me in the ribs. “OH-hokay, sore point, understood!” I wheezed, eyes faintly watering.

The bastard gave a haughty harrumph, straightening his tie as he turned away. “You know, I think he could do with a hat,” he commented as he passed by the exceedingly uncomfortable soldier… then promptly snatched the bucket out of his hands, stomped back over to me, and slammed it down over my head. “Much better!”

Ears ringing, it was all I could do to make one last parting shot. “Well, at least this is a nicer view than your ugly mug! Dehahaha-” The side of the bucket promptly caved in as _something_ collided with the side, and I yelped in surprise and more than a little pain.

I heard the spoiled brat grumbling to himself as he stalked away, and slooooowly lifted the bucket off my head with some freshly grown vines. “Hey Zoro,” I murmured, taking aim, “watch the jackass.”

Juuuust… about…

With an almighty _WHONG!_ , the hurled bucket slammed base-first into the back of Helmeppo’s skull, and he collapsed in a boneless heap on the ground. The soldier beside him stared for a few tense moments… then turned to us, snapped off a salute, and began hauling the insensate prick back to base.

Zoro gave a low whistle of appreciation. “Pretty handy with those powers of yours,” he remarked. “Gotta admit, never thought I’d see someone with a Devil Fruit power in person.”

“Well hey, neither did I,” I replied all too truthfully. “I just wish I could use them to cut us out of these ropes, is all. Or… cut _me_ out, I suppose.”

“Yeah, I got a job to do here,” the swordsman chuckled. “If I broke out now, that bastard would just go after the girl…”

“Her name is Rika, just FYI.” Ugh, did they just give us the roughest, most splintery pole they had? There was this one bit jabbing right into my hipbone and it just _would not_ give up. “They took care of me after some Marines fished me out of the drink. Honestly, if I broke out right now, the little blond shitweasel would probably go after them just to get back at me, so…”

“We’re in for the long haul, huh?” Zoro sighed, though I could hear the smile in his voice.

“More than you know, dude.”

* * *

**Twelve days later…**

Coming to consciousness with a wide yawn, I made a concerted effort to ignore the small roar my stomach belted out. Can’t really blame it, honestly - nearly two weeks without a proper meal, _anyone_ would be grumpy.

...it can’t be healthy to be considering my stomach as “anyone”.

I probably should’ve been way hungrier, come to think of it. Back home I’d get light-headed going even a day without food. Does this Devil Fruit come with photosynthesis?

“Yo, Big Green,” I grumbled, yawning again as I flailed my foot behind me in an effort to kick Zoro awake. “You still alive back there?”

My question was promptly answered by a heel to the asscheeks. “I’m not starving before you do, Garden Salad,” he shot back. “Only about a week to go; I can make it, no sweat.”

Hearing that, I perked up immediately - if I remembered right... “Did Helmeppo stop by yet?” I asked, casually craning my neck over my shoulder to scan the front wall. Come on, come on…

“Huh? Hey, you two…” The instant I heard those words, my heart began racing, even as a terrified shriek rang out across the- god _damn_ Coby has some lungs on him. Where the hell does he keep all that air, he’s like four feet tall… wait, no, _focus_ , you moron, this is your ride out of here!

I tuned back in just in time to hear a _wonderfully_ familiar voice say “-so I made you two some rice balls!” Ah, Rika, you delightful little ball of sunshine.

“You didn’t put sugar in them again, did you?” I called out, squirming against my binds. I caught a glimpse of a distant blob of black and gold pointing at us, but I couldn’t get a clearer look at him from this angle. Never expected to be jealous of owls.

“I did, but I put in pickled plums too!” she replied, and I heard a faint rustle of cloth as she presumably unwrapped them. “I had Mom try them first and she said it tasted good, so-”

Zoro growled, tensing against his ropes “Look, just get out of here already, kid!” he growled, clearly trying to mask his hunger with anger. “I don’t need your help!”

“What he means,” I cut in with a half-exasperated sigh, “is that if the spoiled goblin-child finds you here he’s gonna do something all kinds of nasty to you, and that means Zoro spent three weeks tied to a post for nothing.”

“Nobody asked for your opinion, dammit!”

“And nobody asked for you to put yourself up for execution, but here we are, so suck it up!”

“My oh _my_ , what’s all this I see?” My blood instantly ran cold, and I snapped my head around to the sight of Helmeppo approaching - with four rifle-toting officers in tow. “Roronoa Zoro,” the smarmy prick called out, pressing his hands to his face in mock horror, “are you… _breaking the rules?_ ”

The swordsman growled, ropes creaking against wood as he tried in vain to kick Rika away. “I didn’t do anything and you know it, bastard,” he ground out, his teeth clenched so hard I could almost swear I heard them creaking.

Helmeppo laughed aloud at that, casually strolling over and swiping one of Rika’s rice balls. “Oh, so you’re _not_ taking food from civilians?” he sneered, dangling the rice ball just in front of the swordsman’s face. “So I suppose I’m not eating anything right now, then?” With that, he popped it into his mouth whole--

“BUEEEEGH WHAT IS _IN_ THIS?!”

\--only to almost immediately retch, falling to his knees and clawing frantically at his tongue. “Oh _god_ it’s _sour!_ _Why is it sour?_ ” he gagged, spitting gobs of rice into the dirt. Sparing a glare at my sudden and _completely_ unrelated bout of cackling, he decided to spare _me_ any further abuse by turning on the nearest defenseless child, bunching his fists into the front of Rika’s shirt and hauling her into the air. “What the hell did you _bhu’ in ‘ad?_ ” he snarled, which swiftly transitioned into thick mumbling as… his face swelled up? What?

“U-um-” Rika stammered, weakly kicking her feet in Helmeppo’s general direction. “Sugar and p-pickled plums?”

“...I’b awerdic do bwums,” Helmeppo muttered incomprehensibly, doing an admirable impression of a pufferfish fishman.

...damn, is that racist now that I can actually meet them? Now I feel like an asshole.

The courtyard fell silent for a few moments, until one of the soldiers gave an awkward cough. “Ah…” he mumbled, raising a hand. “You’re… what, sir?”  
  
“I think he said ‘hurting his thumbs?’” a second interjected.

The third shook his head. “No, no, he said ‘murder these bums’. I think.”

I shared a glance with the fourth soldier, his shoulders slumped and his expression one of pure exasperation. “This kind of thing happens a lot?” I guessed.

“My only dream is to get promoted away from these morons,” he sighed, planting his head in his hands.

“Don’t let your dreams be dreams, dude!”

“STOP ENCOURAGING THEM.”

“Awigh’, dad iz ID. ZOLDERS!” Helmeppo suddenly roared, and I glanced back over to him just in time to see him draw his thumb across his throat. My smile crumbles as the soldiers glanced at each other, slinging their rifles up and pointing them directly at us, a chorus of ominous clicks echoing across the suddenly silent courtyard.

A single bead of cold sweat trickled down the side of my face as I stared down the iron barrels of my oncoming death. “...I don’t suppose you’ve got any last resort tricks up your sleeve, Zoro?” I half-chuckled, watching in mounting fear as Helmeppo raised one arm in the air, Rika trembling forgotten at his feet.

“Tch… I guess this is how it ends, huh?” he replied, sagging against the post. “Shot down like a lame dog.” He paused for a moment, before speaking up again. “Oy, Rika!” the swordsman called out, an unmistakable grin in his voice. “Sorry, but… tell your mom I won’t be paying my tab.”

I almost laughed, in spite of my situation, watching as Rika scrubbed at her overflowing eyes, her tiny frame shaking with suppressed sobs. “Not bad, as last words go,” I sighed, rolling my head back to stare up at the sky one last time. “Wish I had something cool to say, but… my heart’s just not in it, I guess. I’m getting shot down at the starting line.”

“-OCKET!” **_WHUMP!_ **

Bah, who am I kidding, you all knew Luffy was gonna pull our asses out of the fire. What, you think I’m gonna get killed off that easy?

No, our salvation came in the form of a blue and red ballistic missile plowing right through all four riflemen, slamming them into the far wall hard enough to smash it. The dust slowly settled, accompanied by my own relieved cackling and Helmeppo’s bewildered babbles, to reveal a red-vested, blue-shorted lad struggling to unwedge his head from the stone rubble - finally pulling it free, I caught sight of a shock of messy black hair, an old, battered straw hat, and a grin fit to stretch right off our savior’s face.

Really, it was the grin that hit home first. It was just… that smile is infectious. It’s the kind of smile that buries itself in your brain, in your _heart_ , and every time you smile, for the rest of your life, that’s the one you remember. Monkey D. Luffy redefines the term ‘smile’, and goddammit, that boy’s smile will stick with me to the day I die.

“HEY, YOU!”

The swollen shitheel who’d been in the process of ordering our execution froze on the spot, his face turning pasty white as he processed what was about to happen. Not fast enough to get his ass out of the line of fire, though, as that same red-blue blur appeared as if out of _nowhere_ moments before slamming a clenched fist square into the center of Helmeppo’s face.

Our savior simply shook his hand out as Helmeppo crumpled like a house of cards, turning to the two of us with another grin. “Hi there!” he said, putting his fists on his hips. “I’m Luffy. Wanna join my crew?”


	2. Rampant Weeds

“I’m Luffy. Wanna join my crew?”

Standing over the crumpled body of the man who’d ordered our execution, dust and dirt drifting off his old, battered straw hat, Monkey D. Luffy himself - the impossible moron, the amazing rubber man, the future King of the Pirates - stood before us, hands on his hips and grinning with a kind of carefree confidence I’d never expected I’d ever see in person. And here he was, right in front of me, extending an offer most people from my world would never turn down. The courtyard was oddly silent for a long moment, aside from various weak groans of pain.

“...well damn, I’m sold,” I finally chuckled, shrugging as best I could against the restrictive ropes binding me to the cross. “Roronoa Zoro and Mista, at your service, I guess.”

Zoro managed to break out of his stunned silence with an indignant squawk. “H-hey, I didn’t agree to anything, dammit! Don’t rope me into thi-”

“Oh, so you’re not going to pay back your life debt, then?” I interrupted, feigning innocence as Zoro’s protests trailed off into a strangled growl. “I thought ‘warrior’s honor’ was like your whole _thing._ ”

“I- You- But- Gaaaaaaaargh…” Luffy just cocked his head, confused, as Zoro sighed in defeat. “Fine, whatever, I’ll join your crew,” he eventually grumbled. “Now will you untie us or what?”

Luffy’s smile vanished, and I promptly felt my stomach drop through the floor. “Uh…” he began, scratching his head. “I’m… really bad with ropes and knots and all that kinda stuff.”

I opened my mouth to make a suggestion, but instead cut off with a horrified squeak as Zoro suggested “Well, just break the cross then.” Seeing my new captain’s grin return as he gave a thumbs up, winding up with his other arm, I began frantically shaking my head, my mouth suddenly dry at the thought of taking a Luffy-punch even indirectly-

“Gum-Gum Pistol!” **KRAK!**

As my eyes spun wildly in my head from the skull-rattling force of the punch slamming into the base of the cross, I slowly came to notice two things.

Thing the first: while the base of the cross had indeed shattered, this did nothing to affect the ropes binding our arms and shoulders to the damn thing.

Thing the second: said cross was tilting in my direction, with the full weight of one Roronoa Zoro behind it.

“Nononono-GRMPH.” **THUD**

“...oops,” I distantly heard Luffy say through the ringing in my ears. I’d have responded, but having a face full of dirt tends to make that somewhat of an issue.

I heard Zoro sigh atop me, completely ignoring my situation as Luffy began laughing. “Well, this will do, I guess. Mista, you mind being my arms until we can get these ropes off?” Wait, what?

With a sudden lurch and a grunt of exertion, Zoro planted his feet in the dirt and _somehow_ managed to stand almost upright, hunched over with me crucified on his back. “Wha- how the f-” I sputtered. “If you’re this goddamn strong, why didn’t you just break the damn cross?!”

“No leverage,” he replied, turning to face Luffy. “So… Captain. Before we get out of here, there’s something we’ve gotta get from the base. Shouldn’t take long.”

“Sure, okay,” Luffy agreed with a nod. “But how’s, uh-”

“Mista,” I chimed in, craning my head around to look at him.

“How’s Mista supposed to be your arms? He’s still tied up too.”

“I’m awesome, that’s how,” I replied, sprouting a few vines from up my sleeves and wiggling them about. “The same kind of awesome you’ve got going on, I think.”

The rubber man made an ‘ohhhh’ of understanding, smacking his fist on his open palm. “Devil Fruit, got it.”

“Are you…”

“Hm?” By this point my neck was _really_ starting to ache from constantly looking over my shoulder, so I just scooped Rika up in my vines and brought her over to face me. “What’s up?”

“Are you really going to fight the Marines?” she asked, a tiny tremor in her voice. “That’s gonna make you a pirate, you know? You won’t be able to stay with us anymore…” She trailed off with a quivering lip and a heartbroken look - a little _too_ heartbroken, actually.

“You still can’t pull off the puppy eyes, I see,” I replied with a half-grin, to which the tiny devil in my grasp responded by scowling and kicking her dangling feet at me until I set her down. “You know I was looking to join up with a pirate crew, you little gremlin. ‘Sides,” I nodded in Luffy’s direction, the rubbery goof waving at us as if he hadn’t just curbstomped a bunch of government soldiers, “I’d say a guy like him is one of my better options, yeah?”

Rika turned to stare at Luffy with the most intense look I’d ever seen on a child, slowly squinting more and more, until she nodded with apparent satisfaction and turned back to me with a thumbs up. “I’ll allow it,” she finally said, as if her approval was the deciding factor in this situation. “Can you get rid of Captain Morgan while you’re here?”

“Captain Morgan?” Luffy butted in. “Isn’t he the guy with the rum brand?”

“Wh- _no_ , you dork!” I snapped back, more out of confusion than anger. Apparently whatever put me here had a sense of humor. “He’s the big boss at the Marine base here. Maximum asshole. I’m pretty sure they built the base this big because nowhere else was big enough for his ego.”

Zoro gave an affirming grunt, almost effortlessly hauling me and the cross over to Helmeppo’s unconscious body. “He’s this guy’s father,” the swordsman continued where I left off. “Lets him do whatever he wants, apparently. That’s how I got tied up here - I stood up to him, and he threatened Rika and her mother, so I made a bet… which _this asshole_ ,” - he punctuated this sentence by none-too-gently rolling Helmeppo over - “apparently decided he could cancel on a whim.”

Luffy’s face had been darkening with every word out of Zoro’s mouth, and by this point he looked downright _pissed_. “I can take him,” he growled, cracking his knuckles as he turned and stalked off towards the base, Zoro following behind.

I waved at Rika (and at the still-frozen-in-horror Coby hanging on the edge of the courtyard wall) as we went. “Make us some more of those rice balls while we’re gone, yeah?” I called. “They sounded maximum tasty!”

* * *

“‘Ello, mates!” I yelled over my shoulder as we approached the base’s main doors, catching the guards’ attention. “Mind letting us in for a tour? We got tickets!”

The two grunts responded by pointing their rifles straight at us - though I did see them flinch when they glanced at Zoro and realized what he was carrying.

“Hm. Maybe they didn’t get the memo,” I mused. “Luffy, show them our tickets, would you?”

“GUM-GUM TWIN PISTOL!” **KR-KRAK-KRRUNCH!**

Those poor bastards.

Casually strolling into the base over the _thoroughly_ unconscious guards - and the double doors torn clean off their hinges - the three of us probably would have struck a somewhat imposing figure if not for the fact that, to reiterate, _Zoro was carrying me like a glorified backpack._ “We need to head to the kitchen,” I said quietly, vines snaking out of my sleeves to wrap around the ankles of some _very_ startled Marines further up the corridor.

“I thought that girl said Morgan was the captain?” Luffy asked, breaking into a light run so Zoro could keep up. “Wouldn’t he be at the top?”

“I mean, yeah,” I replied, yanking my ensnared soldiers off their feet as we passed. “But first, I need to eat - I literally can’t fight on an empty stomach, a couple vines is the best I can manage.”

“And we can find some knives there, so we can get untied,” Zoro added, shoulder-charging another Marine right into the wall as we reached a T-intersection. “Which way do we go?” he asked, glancing at his new captain.

Luffy paused, raising a hand to his chin as he surveyed his options… then started sniffing? “This way!” he said, darting off down the left hallway. “I smell meat!”

I just… stared. “Seriously? Dude’s a goddamn bloodhound…” As Zoro lurched after him, it occurred to me I’d forgotten to mention something to my co-captive. “Oh, Helmeppo’s pet’s doing fine, by the way.”

“What?”

“That wolf he brought to the restaurant, remember?”

My noble steed gave a noncomittal grunt, which I took as grounds to continue. “His name is Solo, apparently. He’s a lot less aggressive now that Rika and I started training him.”

“That’s nice,” Zoro muttered.

“He sleeps on my bed at night, too - he’s really taken a liking to me, I guess.”

“Mmhm.”

“The occasional steak dinner probably doesn’t hurt.”

“Yeah.”

“Speaking of steak dinner, where the hell is the kitchen?”

Zoro promptly charged through the nearest door… scaring several showering marines half to death. “Not here, I guess,” the swordsman grumbled, about-facing and continuing to charge down the hallway.

“Wh- weren’t you following Luffy?” I squawked, a sudden and intense sinking feeling forming in my gut as I began to process the situation.

Zoro growled, slamming through another door and smacking straight into the back of a janitor’s closet. “Lost him after the second turn.”

“Oh god,” I groaned in subdued horror, a statement echoed in a vastly more startled tone by a cluster of Marines as Zoro rounded a hallway corner and barrelled straight through them like a mossy bowling ball. “You know what, just keep doing what you’re- oh shit, it’s Commander Ripper!”

Said commander had about half a second to process that the prisoners had broken into the base without even bothering to finish escaping before I wrapped some tomato vines around his ankles and yanked him clean off his feet. “Sorry, dude, gotta borrow you for a minute!” I cheerfully called out, trying desperately to feel even slightly bad as I watched him skid along the polished floors at the speed of Zoro.

“What the _blue hell_ is going on here?!” the unfortunate officer roared, which probably would have been more intimidating in nearly any other circumstance. As it was, it just sounded vaguely tinted with a hint of confusion and/or terror.

“We gotta get to the cafeteria!” I responded, now having to raise my voice to be heard over the growing cacophony of the base at large realizing that yes, they were being invaded. “Captain Morgan’s up next, but the cafeteria comes fir-”

_“UOOOOOOOOH!”_ **THUD! THUD! THUD!** “ _GUM-GUM SPATULA!_ ” **SMASH!**

...well that helps. “Never mind!” I called, dropping the poor commander in the middle of the hallway and wrapping my vines around Zoro’s shoulders instead. “Follow the carnage, noble steed!” I laughed, trying to steer him towards the noise.

Zoro responded by bouncing me off the wall. Still worth it.

* * *

**A few minutes earlier…**

“Geez, where the heck did they go?” Luffy grumbled to himself, one hand on his hat and one foot on the back of a comatose Marine as he scanned the hallways. “I wasn’t going _that_ fast… hm?” He blinked, the sudden sound of footsteps and cocking rifles drawing his attention to a pair of newly-arrived Marines, who managed to look remarkably stoic in spite of their shaky knees. Luffy just smiled, completely unfazed. “Hey, which way’s the kitchen?”

To their credit, the two grunts didn’t so much as blink in surprise, instead opting to raise their rifles to eye-level. “You’re under arrest!” one of them barked, trigger finger curled and ready to fire. “Surrender and stand down or we’ll be forced to shoot!”

“Eh?” The rubberman cocked his head, casually stepping towards them as if they weren’t pointing military-grade firearms at him. “Did you not hear what I said or something?”

His face promptly caved into itself as a bullet impacted directly between his eyes. Which, as anyone who knows Luffy knows, didn’t do jack shit - as the grunts could attest, the one who’d fired dropping his still-smoking rifle with a terrified whimper as the bullet fired back out of Luffy’s face with enough force to punch a hole through the brim of his cap.

“Wh… what the hOORF-” the other soldier wheezed out as Luffy’s fists planted themselves squarely in their guts, slumping over with a breathless squeak as the rampaging pirate took off running again.

“I always forget how _weird_ that feels,” Luffy mused to himself, still following the faint scent of cooking meat as he charged off again. “Meeeeeeeat~” he sing-songed at the top of his lungs. “Where are you? Meeeea-”

Wait, there! The scent! Just for a second, the smell of meat got stronger! Luffy all but _roared_ , breaking into a sprint as his stomach took his brain in a stranglehold, and the nearby wall turned into so much scattered plaster as the rubberman barreled straight through it headfirst. The opposing wall quickly met the same fate, and a stunned seaman recruit found himself suddenly staring down the barrel of a ballistic bonehead missile.

_There._ On the other side of that double door. Luffy didn’t bother to waste more energy on words, snapping a single fist out and knocking both doors wide open and almost off their hinges. He didn’t even spare a glance for the poor grunt he passed, who wisely decided discretion was the better part of valor and hauled ass.

The occupants of the cafeteria just… stared. Mouths agape, chopsticks frozen halfway to mouths, pure bafflement on every face. It would have been almost picturesque, in a way, if not for the circumstances.

Luffy, however, had not a single crap to give in that moment. Several of the marines leapt out of their seats in shock, or got halfway there before getting tangled in their own furniture, as a pair of long rubbery arms zipped under the central rows of tables and seats, only stopping when Luffy’s fists bumped into the far wall-

“GUM-GUM SPATULA!”

-and then chaos reigned.

* * *

“...holy _shit,_ dude.”

“What?” Luffy mumbled around a mouthful of meat, squatting on the cafeteria counter and stuffing his face as if he wasn’t surrounded by downed and unconscious soldiers and overturned tables.

“What the hell have you gotten us into…” Zoro muttered under his breath, the weight of myself and the cross turning his attempt at careful navigation through the maze of bodies into more of a crouching waddle.

“...yeah, this is _not_ how I expected today to go,” I replied, wincing in sympathy for the poor grunts who got in the way of the Luffy Express. Still, I’d take my freedom over their safety any day. Speaking of, I spy pointy things! “Yo, Luffy,” I began, the straw-hatted goof grunting in the affirmative through what I assumed was a mouthful of salted beef, “grab a knife and cut us free, will you?”

Several cut ropes later, Zoro and I stood unbound for the first time in _far_ too long. “Ohhhhh, this is a _good day,_ ” I sighed, feeling a series of supremely satisfying pops as I stretched my cramped shoulders.

Having apparently decided exacting justice took priority over stealing food, Luffy pounded his fist into his palm. “Which way to the boss?”

“My guess? Up,” Zoro replied, rolling his shoulders. “You good to go?” he asked, glancing at me as I vaulted over the kitchen counter.

“You two go on ahead,” I said, grabbing a handful of fresh cooked rice and shovelling it barehanded into my mouth. God, there’s nothing like fresh hot food after days of starving. No wonder Gin cried… man, how am I gonna deal with that whole situation? Wait, conversation, right. Chew, swallow, breathe. “I gotta refuel before I can go full power again,” I panted, scooping up another handful of rice. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure these guys stay down. Give ‘em hell, captain.”

Luffy nodded to me, then to Zoro. “There’s something we gotta take care of first,” Zoro muttered, hand instinctively moving to his unadorned hip.

“Your swords are probably in Helmeppo’s room,” I interjected, heaping piles of rice and vegetables onto a lunch tray. “It’s on the second floor from the top, on the side facing the courtyard. I’ve seen him sneering at us from up there.” Not that I expected the directions to make a difference, but at least nobody can blame me for them getting lost.

Zoro’s jaw clenched, a cold glint appearing in his sudden glare. “If that egotistical jackass has been messing with my blades…” he snarled, fists clenched and hackles raised as he stalked out of... what could no longer really be called a doorway, honestly.

“Man, he’s maaaad,” Luffy commented, staring after the departing bounty hunter. “Are his swords that important?”

Pausing in my inhalation of all the food in arm’s reach, I nodded and gave a thumbs up. “Mafimum imporp- gleh,” I broke off, choking for a second before coughing up a few grains of unpleasantly adventurous rice. Food can wait when it’s _not_ blocking your breathing hole, dumbass. “ _Maximum_ important,” I repeated, nodding seriously. “A swordsman without swords is like…”

I floundered for a second, grasping for an explanation Luffy would understand, until one look at him gave me the answer. “...like a pirate without a dream,” I finished, a grin spreading across my face before I realized it.

“...without a dream…” the rubberman murmured, one hand unconsciously reaching up to adjust his hat, and for just a moment I got to see an uncharacteristically thoughtful expression flit across his face. Then that golden grin shone through again, and he turned on his heel and sprinted off after Zoro, leaving me alone in a room of questionably conscious bodies.

I really should be getting used to this by now, considering where I’m going.

* * *

Atop the building, creaking rope and grunts of exertion heralded the painfully slow efforts to erect a monolithic stone statue - arms outstretched and hand raised to the sky, as if celebrating some great victory. Not that the poor soldiers being forced to pull it upright could find anything about it worth celebrating, mind you.

“Captain Morgan, s-sir, there’s been a lot of noise downstairs,” one Lieutenant Junior Grade Rokkaku stammered, well aware of the thumps, screams and gunshots steadily making their way up the tower. “Permission to take some men to investigate?”

For a moment, there was no response from the giant of a man standing before him, a steady column of cigar smoke rising from his mouth into the open blue. Slowly, ponderously, he turned to face the soldier who’d addressed him, a faint squeak of metal on bone audible as he relaxed his steel jaw and pinched the base of his cigar between his fingers, and Rokkaku couldn’t help but begin sweating bullets as the titanic Captain Morgan approached him, heavy combat boots thudding against the stone tiles of the rooftop.

Sweat turned to hissing steam as Rokkaku suddenly found the still-smoldering end of the cigar pressed into his forehead. He collapsed to his knees, clutching his face with a cry of agony, as the cruel captain squatted down and spoke to him. “Every soldier under my command,” Morgan began in a low, thunderous voice, “from the rank of Warrant Officer up has been assembled here, right now, to bear witness to the completion of this monument to my great self.” He allowed his right arm to drop, the heavy steel axe blade in place of his hand spitting up a shower of sparks as it gouged a long line out of the stonework directly between his beleaguered subordinate’s knees. “Not one of you is leaving until this statue is raised. Is. That. Clear?”  
  
“ _Crystal clear, SIR!_ ” the other marines echoed, more than a few of them shaking at the knees - Rokkaku could only bring himself to nod, biting his lip to keep the tears from falling. Apparently satisfied, Morgan rose once more to his full height, dark eyes under furrowed brows scanning the assembled marines. Something wasn’t right. Someone was missing-

The tyrant bit clean through his cigar when the realization hit. “ _Ripper,_ ” Morgan snarled, his coat flaring about him as he spun on his heel and stormed toward the stairwell. “Nobody moves until I return!” he roared over his shoulder, an echo in the affirmative sounding out behind him as he headed downstairs.

* * *

“Mista.”

I paused, looking up from my sixth bowl of everything-in-arms’-reach to mock-salute the slowly-approaching Ripper with my chopsticks. “Af’noon, Commander,” I replied in greeting, cautiously eyeing his rifle - openly carried, but thankfully not raised. Yet. “Want a bowl?”

The poor beleaguered bastard could only sigh in response, struggling to navigate the field of hogtied marines without stepping on any of them. “Mista, really, what the hell are you doing?” he muttered half-heartedly, coming to a halt across the table from me. The only table not flipped over, in fact, amidst a sea of immobilized bodies and furniture shrapnel.

I glanced down at the overflowing bowl in my hand, then back up at Ripper with a deadpan stare. “Do you want the obvious answer, or…”

With just the _barest_ hint of a twitching eye, Ripper’s grip on his rifle tightened. “I have had _entirely_ too much stress today to entertain your bullshit,” he growled. “Stress caused _entirely by you._ ”

“...yeah, that’s fair,” I sighed, setting the bowl aside. How to get out of this conversation without being shot... “Guess I was just kind of feeling vindictive after being _starved for two weeks_ , huh?” I continued, leaning forward onto the table with a humorless smile. “Can’t say Zoro was that happy about the whole deal either, and he’s the one who _proposed_ to be tied up for a month. Then again, not like Helmeppo planned to let him live anyway.”

Ripper blinked, frowning in confusion as his grip on his rifle loosened. “He went back on his deal?” he muttered, more to himself than to me. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised…”

“Yyyyep,” I nodded, resting my chin on my hand. “Starving a guy for three weeks, then stamping out his last speck of hope and ordering his execution in cold blood. Sounds like Captain material already. I mean, if Morgan’s anything to go by, Helmeppo sounds like the maximum gold standard.”

The commander started at my blatant dismissal of the worth of the corps, eyes wide. “How _dare_ you!” he hissed, genuine anger creeping into his voice for the first time. “We stand for the protection of innocents the world over in the pursuit of justice! The Captain and his son are _stains_ on our reputation, you know as well as I do!”

“So _do_ something about it!” I roared back, surging to my feet and staring him dead in the eyes. “Call Loguetown’s division, call Marineford, call _someone!_ Captain Smoker is stationed at Loguetown, and you _know_ his reputation! He’s the highest goddamn authority in the East Blue, he’d jump on the first ship headed this way and stomp Morgan flat in seconds! You can’t just stand by and do _nothing_ and say you’re doing your best! _Where’s your pride as a Marine?!_ ”

“Goddammit, do you think I’m sitting on my hands by _choice?!_ ” Leaning over the table, Ripper grabbed a handful of my shirt and hauled me in face to face. “I’ve grown up here my entire life, seeing Morgan run roughshod over this town is _killing me!_ But he’s got every line to Marineford tapped, ever since he heard rumors of ‘sedition’ in the ranks!” With every word from his lips, tears of impotent fury began to well up in his eyes. “This town means _everything_ to me, and I can’t let that monster kill me before I see him brought to justice! I don’t give a _damn_ about my pride anymore, as long as I can live another day, and another, and another until _something_ changes for the better!”

For a moment, I just stared into his eyes - tears streaming down his cheeks and the faintest fire in his eyes, battered and beaten but still burning bright.

And then I laughed.

“Dehahahaha! Damn straight, soldier!” Anger gave way to confusion as I clapped him on the shoulder, stepping onto and over the table to land next to him. “Best you can do, one step at a time. That’s the way of someone with the strength to live for the hope of better days.” Grinning like a madman, I straightened Ripper’s cap and strode off towards the doorway. “And better days are here, my dude. So stay put while I go help kick Morgan’s-”

And then I ran into a wall.

A wall with abs.

Oh no.

“Kick Morgan’s _what_ , brat?”

With just the smallest whimper of fear, I turned to stare up and up and _up_ at the man mountain that was Captain Morgan. “I thought you were on the roof,” I squeaked.

* * *

**_BAM!_** “I’M HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

The sudden flying door caught the Marines on the roof by surprise almost as much as Luffy’s roar of challenge did, several of the unfortunate grunts holding the statue’s ropes being bowled over and sprawling onto the tiles. The rest of the unoccupied soldiers whirled about, rifles trained on the intruder -

“Uh, wait, which one of you is Captain Morgan?”

\- who turned out to be a single kinda scrawny teenager in a straw hat, looking just as confused as the soldiers themselves. He blinked, looking over his shoulder. “Zoro? Where’d you go?”

_Creeeeak…_

With expressions of slowly dawning horror, the marines turned to watch the colossal statue begin to tilt back towards the edge of the building, the poor bastards holding the ropes trying and failing to dig their heels in as it dragged them along for the ride.

* * *

“I was,” the titanic officer ground out through clenched teeth. “But I see there’s a few _rats_ to squash before I return to business.”

Ohhhh boy. “Uh- b-before you kill me,” I stammered, sweating bullets, “do you mind if I at least see if I can pull off this magic trick I’ve been working on?”

“...I’ll consider it your dying wish,” Morgan growled down at me, a single bulging vein twitching furiously on his forehead.

I gulped, raising my hands. “Okay, so… n-nothing up my sleeves, see?” I began, rolling up first the left sleeve, then the right, bringing my hands together in front of my face. “But what’s in my hands?”

With as much theatrical flourish as I could muster, I opened my hands to show a single, brilliant red rose blooming between my palms. “T-Ta-daaa…” I finished lamely, a sheepish grin plastered across my face.

Morgan raised his axe.

“Okay then, one rose not enough?” I asked, closing my hands again... “How about some more?” And shoving both palms toward the massive man, thorny rose stems bursting from my palms and wrapping tightly around his chest and arms.

“What the-” he cried out, stumbling back as his muscles strained against the tightly-wound stems, and I snapped out another thick cord of vines to wrap around one tree-trunk-thick leg and _pulled_. Morgan toppled like a felled tree, roaring out in pain as hundreds of thorns dug into his skin, and I promptly used his metal jaw as a springboard to get a head start on escaping with my life.

“How the hell did he not run into the others?” I grumbled to myself, sprinting straight for the staircase. “It should’ve been a straight shot up the -”

A thunderous crash shook the ground, and I hit the floor face-first, skidding a few feet along the apparently recently-waxed surface. Pushing myself up, a warm trickle began to flow from my nose, because _of course_. “Well, I guess Luffy found the roof at least…”

Well, the plan’s shot to hell and back at this point, time to change tack. Morgan’s office should be unoccupied and unguarded right about now...

* * *

**_BAM!_** “I’M HERE TO KICK YOUR- ass?”

This was… not Morgan’s room. The bed was way too small, for one thing, and too fancy besides. A trio of swords lay against one wall gathering dust, and Luffy doubted Morgan was enough of a fan of flowers to have five different potted plants around the room...

“DAMMIT, COME OUT AND FIGHT ME!” Luffy roared, wheeling about and barreling down the hall.

…

“Oh, right, swords!”

* * *

“...Huh.” Zoro scratched his head idly, staring at the rubble of a once finely-sculpted statue filling the entrance to the base. “They trying to trap us in here or something?”

* * *

Several floors above (and one below) the ongoing chaos, Morgan’s office stood quiet and pristine, not so much as a paper out of place even as a massive stone sculpture cracked in half just above and plummeted to the ground. For a time, the only sound was a quiet _tink_ of metal on metal, before a slightly louder _click_ sounded out.

Slowly, quietly, the door creaked open, and moving on silent steps the intruder slunk in, already zeroed in on the large, solid steel safe in the corner of the room. Pressing an ear to the panel, the thief set to work, listening for the _tik tik tik tik_ of the tumblers, and the subtle _clunk_ when one of them found purchase. Within moments the safe swung open, and inside-

“Hey, there’s not a book or anything in there, is there?”

Nami shrieked in surprise, leaping a full two feet off the floor as she spun around and snapped her staff together in a single fluid motion, bringing it down on the head of -

...a guy not much older than herself, actually, the young man crumpling to the ground clutching his skull with a high-pitched hiss of pain. Not even in Marine uniform - wait, was this one of the people shaking the place up?

“Holy _shit_ , dude,” he grunted, eyes watering as he glared up at Nami. “I get it, but holy _shit_.”

* * *

Nami jabbed me in the chest with the butt of her staff, knocking me back on my ass. “If you were followed in here, we’re both screwed,” she growled, keeping her voice (mercifully) low as she glanced up at the door - at least I’d had the foresight to close it when I came in. “Who the hell are you, and why shouldn’t I throw you out the damn window right now?”

Wiping a trickle of blood from my lip and steadfastly ignoring my fresh headache, I stood up, looking over Nami’s shoulder at the open safe. Bills upon bills upon bills, but no book... “Call me Mista,” I replied in the same low tone, “and I’m not looking for money, if that’s what you’re worried about.” My gaze shifted from the safe to her, then to the wide, heavy-looking desk. “I want the captain’s journal.”

“...well, if you’re not trying to steal _my_ treasure, I guess you’re not _that_ much of a problem,” Nami murmured, snapping the staff apart and stowing it away as she turned back to the safe. “But did you cause all this trouble just for a single journal?”

I shook my head, moving around to begin rifling through the desk drawers while my new partner-in-crime began shoving wads of bills into an unmarked sack. “Nah, that was just payback for trying to have me executed,” I replied in a perfect deadpan, and I heard Nami make a noise halfway between a gasp and a snort of laughter. “But Morgan is the kind of dude with more ego than brains, and about as much moral fiber as a toilet rag. There’s bound to be all _kinds_ of dirt on him in that book.” I paused for a moment, futilely rattling a locked drawer, and glanced about the scattered papers on the desk for- ah! A letter opener, which was quickly put to use trying to pry open the lock.. “Dirt that I bet would get him jailed for life,” I continued, working the slim blade back and forth, “if it got into the right hands.”

Suddenly I found myself lightly shoved aside, as Nami crouched before the locked drawer, lockpicks already in hand. Within seconds the drawer slid open with nary a sound, and the master thief shot the untrained novice a cheeky grin, leatherbound prize in hand. “Glad to see at least _one_ person around here isn’t a total ass,” she chuckled, tossing me the journal.

“Likewise,” I replied with a grin, quickly thumbing through the pristine pages for anything particularly eye-catching. “If you wanna meet a couple more, there’s a little café down by the docks- well _hello_ there,” I cut myself off, pulling a folded paper sheet from between two pages, which unfurled into a bounty poster. “You know, if you’re looking for loot-”

“Get _down!_ ” I hit the floor hard, Nami having suddenly tackled me and pinned me behind the desk, one hand over my mouth and a look of sudden wide-eyed panic on her face. Not half a second later -

**_BAM!_** “I’M HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

\- the solid oaken doors were slammed clean off their hinges, slamming into and then _flipping across_ the desk, and smashing through the plate glass window to sail out into the courtyard. Wrenching Nami’s hand away from my face, I hauled myself up onto the edge of the desk, snatching up a paperweight and hurling it across the room at- _Luffy?!_ “Captain, _what in the name of Davy Jones’ unscrubbed TOILET_ are you doing?!” I roared, the paperweight (which I dimly noted was carved in the shape of Morgan’s head) bouncing off the rubber dumbass’ face without so much as a change in his expression.

“Looking for Morgan, duh,” Luffy replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which… I suppose it kind of was. “I thought you said he’d be up here?”

It was all I could do to just… sink my head into my hands and sigh. “He was,” I groaned. “Now he’s chasing me up the building, because you somehow _missed him on the way up._ ” I glanced down at Nami, who seemed torn between throttling me and tossing me out the window, if her gestures of wordless horror/fury were anything to go by.

Luffy paused, scratching an itch on the side of his head with _one of Zoro’s swords, oh god he lost Zoro._ “Huh. Weird,” he said, opting to simply turn on his heel and wander off down the hallway.

The second he was out of earshot, Nami shot to her feet and chokeslammed me onto the goddamn desk with a single hand. “You’re a _pirate?!_ ” she hissed, raising her other hand in a clenched fist. “And here I thought you were a _decent person_. My mistake.”

“As of about twenty minutes ago, yeah,” I wheezed out, scrabbling against her grip. God, I thought she was supposed to be the _weak_ one! “Seriously, who else would be dumb enough to raid a marine base in broad daylight?” Finding purchase on the edge of her hand, I managed to pry her grip loose and rolled off the desk, staggering to my feet and backing away with my hands in the air. “Look, here…” Moving slowly, I un-crumpled the bounty poster I’d found in the book. “Buggy the Clown. Five million berries. Absolute asshole, scum of the earth, and from the café gossip I’ve heard, holed up in Orange Town on the next island over.”

Nami continued glaring at me, fists clenched, but made no move besides. “Your point?” she growled.

“You think I’m, _we’re_ , all like him, right? Black to the core, heartless bastards?” I waved a hand towards the busted window, a light breeze ruffling the thief’s brilliant orange hair as she turned to look out over the town. “I’ve been living here for over a month now,” I continued, “and the _only_ person I’ve seen fitting that description is the owner of this office. He’s been wringing this town dry for years, letting his son run wild and threaten people with execution for the slightest misstep. I said I was getting revenge for being left to die? That was because Morgan’s _spawn_ walked into my ladder while I was painting a sign. Dude I was tied up with? Sentenced to death for _defending a child from that bastard’s pet wolf._ ”

I sighed, letting my hands drop back down to my sides. “I didn’t become a pirate to be that kind of person. My captain met me when he saved my life, and he invited me into his crew in the same breath.” Nami looked back at me, now, and while there was still a hard edge to her stare, the cold anger was… not gone, but lessened. “I’m going to be a pirate so that I can help people when the law won’t. And after we clean this bastard up, I’m planning on seeing what my captain thinks of swinging by Orange Town and dealing with Buggy.”

I paused, considering for a bit. If we _were_ going to Orange Town next, and Nami was right here… Maybe I could save us a little bit of trouble? It was worth a shot, anyway...

I held out my hand, holding my gaze to hers. “Sound like something you could stomach working with pirates for?”

For a long, long moment, she just… stared. As if unable to bring herself to believe that I meant what I was saying. Finally, she stepped forward and took my hand, giving it a firm shake. “Don’t make me regret this, Mista,” she grumbled, but the small smile on her face showed her real feelings.

“Huh. Recruiting already, Garden Salad?”

What the f- “Zoro what the _actual fuck?_ Where did? _What?_ ”

“What?”

“Where the hell did you come from?!”

The mossy wonder just jabbed a thumb at the shattered window, and moving over to peer down the wall revealed a ladder of handholds dug into the brickwork. “You are _shitting me,_ ” I muttered, suddenly starkly reminded of my place on the superhuman strength ladder. Namely, somewhere around ‘pre-Luffy Coby’.

Turning away from the window, I ran my hands through my hair as I took stock of the situation. “Okay, well, at least you’re here now, so we… can…” I trailed off as I realized I was talking to a Zoro-less office. Words failing me, I turned to Nami, eyebrows raised, and she just gestured vaguely in the direction of the hallway-

“ ** _YOU!_** ”

“Oh, you must be Morgan. You know where my swords are?”

“Oh my god, I have every single brain cell in this crew,” I whimpered, and Nami almost looked outright _sympathetic._ We’re going to get along _wonderfully_ , aren’t we.

“Ah! Zoro! I found your swords!”

Morgan promptly devolved into bestial roaring.

“...AH! MORGAN! I’M HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

No matter what Nami says, I will maintain that I did _not_ shriek like a child as the Captain’s ten foot tall body burst through the office wall and slammed into the desk two steps away from me. “And that’s our cue!” I yelped, grabbing Nami around the waist (“Wh- Hey, what the- Put me down, you jackass!”) and leaping clean out the broken window. Doing my level best to ignore Nami’s protests turning into screams of terror, I turned and lashed out my free hand in the direction of the rooftop railing as we fell, a thick cord of vines sprouting from my wrist and lashing around the rail.

Our descent became a lot more lateral than vertical _very_ quickly, and on impulse I braced my feet towards the wall as a thick cushion of leaves and flower petals sprang from my heels - and just as I made blessedly soft contact with the wall, Morgan’s unconscious body sailed out the open window, deep cuts across his chest and a distinctly fist-shaped dent in his jaw.

Nami and I just watched him fall, flinching slightly as his impact with the dusty soil of the courtyard left a large cloud and a larger crater.

“So…” I finally said. “I don’t think I ever got your name?”

“Please put me down.”  
  
“Yeah that’s fair.”

* * *

“...and then he just sprints out the door and backflips into the ocean!” I cackled, almost having to shout to be heard over the roaring party the café was playing host to at the news of Morgan’s defeat. “Never seen anyone try to skip out on the bill by _fleeing the country_ ,” I continued, taking a hefty swig from a bottle of juice. Sweet, glorious fruit juice, how I missed thee in my weeks of torment…

“Shishishishishi!” Luffy laughed, rocking back in his chair as Coby instinctively reached out to steady it. “I’d sink like a rock if I tried that!” The mood of the room was downright infectious - even Nami, always on guard, and the perpetually nervous Coby were laughing and having fun. Hell, even Solo was sitting at my feet under the table, tail wagging with a life of its own and big dopey face drooling in my lap begging for table scraps. It was… surprisingly satisfying, honestly. Making a difference feels _good._

I shrugged, meeting Rika’s gaze across the room, and she gave a cheerful wave from behind the counter. “So, boss,” I asked, turning to regard Luffy as he shovelled an entire steak into his face, “what’s next on the agenda?”

The rubberman cocked his head, staring at me as he chewed. “Aghemba?” he asked after a few seconds, before seemingly swallowing the whole steak in one gulp. That’s gonna take some getting used to.

“You know, where we’re going, what we’re doing?” Surprisingly, _Nami_ was the one who piped up, drawing the attention of everyone at the table. “You can’t just go sailing off without a destination in mind, or you’re never gonna get anywhere.”

Luffy blinked slowly, frowning in apparent confusion. “...uh, who’re you again?”


	3. Apples and Oranges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy howdy depression autism and adhd sure are a kick-in-the-balls wombo combo huh
> 
> I've been sitting on less than 3k words for four months before i decided to just post the damn thing and continue in another chapter. Thank you to the goddamn *117* people who've left kudos, even up to *this week* despite no updates since March, either for just liking what was there or for wanting to see more. You lot are most of what keeps me coming back to this, honestly.

“Yo, Mista! Hurry up or we’re leaving without you!”   
  
“I’m ready, dammit!” I yelled, rounding the street corner and sprinting towards the others prepping the boat. Skidding to a stop on the rough cobblestone, I fought to catch my breath as Zoro strolled past effortlessly lifting a barrel in a single arm. “Have some damn patience, will you?” I grumbled at the ground, too exhausted to raise my head.

Zoro scoffed, setting the boat rocking back and forth on the waves as he set the barrel down. How much is  _ in _ that? “I just spent three weeks tied to a post, jackass,” he retorted, giving me a painful flick to the forehead. “My patience dried up ages ago.”   
  
Nami rolled her eyes with a sigh, completely unfazed by the boat rocking as she checked the single sail for damage. “And did you really have to borrow that much money just to send a letter? Seriously, fifty  _ thousand _ berries?” she asked me, more than a hint of irritation in her voice. Fair enough, I guess, it’s a lot of money for her to part with considering her situation.

I simply nodded, putting on a serious expression as I made eye contact. “Express delivery to the Grand Line, maximum confidentiality?” I replied. “Absolutely worth fifty grand.” Honestly,  _ more _ than fifty thousand - I’d spent every last berry I’d earned on that letter. If I hadn’t been arrested I wouldn’t have needed to ensure that much speed, but I wasted two weeks on that cross and now things are already in motion and I’ve got no idea what timeframe i’m working with... Ugh, stop thinking about it. Stress isn’t gonna help, all I can do is wait.

“If you say so…” Nami murmured, idly kicking Luffy in the shin as he bounced excitedly at the helm, Solo’s tail wagging excitedly and smacking against the inside of the hull under Luffy’s seat. “I’ll be expecting interest on that loan, in any case.”

I blinked. “Uh… we’re about to go raid another pirate’s stash, aren’t we?” In the background I heard Luffy squeal in excitement at the reminder, and I felt my mouth curling into a grin in spite of myself. Dude’s mood is infectious.

Nami nodded, apparently having deemed the sail… uh, sailworthy. “Yep, but you’re not giving me the loot, I’m taking it. Doesn’t count.” An odd look flashed over her face for a moment, and she sighed, head in one hand as she dropped down to sit in the boat. “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m actually working with pirates,” she groused, glaring at me and Zoro out of the corner of her eye. “This is just as payback for earlier, okay? Don’t think I’m gonna be hanging around your sorry asses any longer than I have to.”

“So if Mista doesn’t pay you back does that mean you’re gonna stay?” Luffy suddenly asked, leaping forward and grabbing Nami’s hand with visible sparkles in his eyes. Nami responded to this, predictably, by burying said hand wrist-deep in his face. “Daf’ nod a no,” he mumbled through the mouthful of knuckle sandwich.

“...we’ve got a good easterly wind coming in,” Nami said, looking up and out over the town at a few wisps of cloud drifting high in the sky. “If we cast off now we’ll make good time to Orange Town.”

With an almost comical  _ pop _ , Luffy’s face was freed from Nami’s fist, and he began pumping his fists in excitement. “Yeah, let’s go, let’s go!” he cheered, rocking back and forth as Zoro knelt to untie the mooring rope.

“Goodbye Mista! Come back and visit sometime!” Climbing into the boat myself, I looked back at the town to see Rika standing in the café doorway waving frantically. I nodded, waving in return with a wide smile of my own, and she paused to wipe her eyes on her arm. I’m gonna miss that squirt.

“Tell Rokkaku thanks again for the fishing boat!” I called back, wobbling a little as Zoro hopped into the now-adrift sailboat and took up the oars. “And keep practicing your cooking! I wanna eat something delicious when I come back!” By this point Zoro had rowed us far enough that I was having to shout over the waves. Just a few minutes more, and the town was too far to see her at all.

Solo whined gently, resting his massive head in my lap as I scratched behind his ears. “Yeah, I know, bud. I miss her too.”

…wait.

I looked down in my lap, realizing for the first time that our dinky little sailboat was not only carrying four adults and a full barrel of supplies, but a huge-ass wolf. “When did-  _ what? _ ”

“What?” Zoro grunted, dense muscles straining as he forced us through the water. “He’s  _ your _ dog, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, but-”

“He’d be sad if you left him behind, right?” Luffy said, dragging a hand through the water as he leaned over the side of the boat, and I instinctively reached out to steady him. “So it’s fine!” He grinned up at me, that same damn grin, and I couldn’t help but accept it.

I sighed, equal parts exasperated and content, and settled for just continuing to dote on the big furry goofball the wolf had turned out to be. Helmeppo  _ really _ had no idea how dogs worked, huh? ...though, feeding an animal this big might turn into an issue.

At the thought of the cost, I glanced up at Nami, who was just… staring at me - no, at Luffy and I - with an unreadable expression. As she noticed I’d caught her, she casually glanced down at a chart and compass she’d procured from… somewhere. “Perfect timing,” she murmured, nodding at Zoro. “We’re in perfect position to catch the wind. Mista, get the sail.”

“Right,” I confirmed, flicking a vine up to catch the bottom of the sail and dragging it to full size. Almost the instant it dropped open, a strong gust of wind slammed into it - and us - nearly knocking Luffy’s hat off his head as the boat suddenly swung around to point west. I gave a surprised laugh, holding onto the edge of the boat as our course was set.

Next stop: Orange Town!

* * *

**Several hours later…**

“Oh my god, just let me die…” I whimpered, my head hanging over the side of the boat as my stomach continued its gold-medal-winning olympic gymnastics routine. “Is sailing always going to be like this?” Whoops. Hello, breakfast, I was hoping not to see you again today.

Zoro sighed, putting one hand to the back of my head and dunking me facefirst into the seawater. “Look alive, beansprout,” he said, completely ignoring my sputtering as he tied off the- wait, the mooring rope? We’re at Orange Town already? “You said there was a pirate crew here?”

“Buggy the Clown, bounty of 15,000,000 berries,” Nami replied, furling the sail as I wiped my face dry on a completely oblivious Solo’s fur. “Wanted for murder, larceny, assault and battery, petty theft, disturbing the peace, loitering and… littering. Not… exactly living up to the reputation.”

“He’s more dangerous than you’d expect,” I muttered. Pretty quiet - no wonder, since Buggy drove everyone out of town. “His crew’s a joke, mostly, but the guy’s got a price on his head for a reason.”

“And you know this because…”

...oh, right. I’m not actually supposed to know these things ye- wait, no, I got the thing! I grinned over my shoulder at Zoro’s suspicious words, grabbing Morgan’s logbook from my jacket and waving it at him. “Morgan was keeping tabs on pirates in the region. Probably to snatch up any bounties he decided he could take on.” A blatant lie - the jackass was barely concerned with anything outside his own jurisdiction - but Zoro and Luffy I could at least trust to look no deeper. Nami, on the other hand… actually, judging by the look on her face, I just painted something of a target on my back. And she probably won’t  _ ask _ to see the journal, either.

Shit.

“So we’re here to kick his butt, right?” Luffy asked, blunt as ever. “Which way is he?”

“Wh- Seriously?” Nami sputtered, turning to stare at him in disbelief. “You’re just gonna- just, what, run off and take on a whole pirate crew by yourself?” Oh, Nami. Poor, naïve Nami. My only regret is your oncoming stress disorder.

Luffy cocked his head in confusion, looking for all the world like she’d just called him an idiot for saying the sky was blue. “Uh… no?” he slowly replied, gesturing vaguely in our direction. “I’m going with you guys.”

“...of course,” our shanghaied navigator muttered through the hands she’d sunk her face into. “Of course. I take a gamble on trusting pirates  _ one time _ and it’s  _ you _ suicidal idiots.”

Zoro scoffed, already wanderi-  _ wandering away?! _ “Oh, please,” he called back, his smarmy grin all but audible in every word as he approached the street corner. “If I were suicidal, I’d have just let that spoiled brat shoot me and be done with it.”

“ _ He nearly did! _ ” I heard Nami yell behind me, as I leapt out of the boat to sprint after him before he turned the corner aaaaaaand there he goes. Great.

I sighed, kneading the bridge of my nose as I turned back to the boat. “Well, we won’t be seeing him for a couple hours,” I grumbled. “Luffy, you mind seeing if you can catch up to him? You two can… keep each other out of trouble,” I somehow managed to say with a straight face.

“Eh?” The captain cocked his head, frowning in confusion and… disappointment? “You’re not coming?”

I opened my mouth to reply, but I didn’t get much farther than ‘uh’ before Nami grabbed me by the back of my jacket. “Sorry, Luffy,” Nami answered in my stead, “I’m borrowing Mista for now... Since he’s apparently the only one of you with any sense of subtlety,” she trailed off, muttering under her breath as she dragged me away.

Resigning myself to the fate I’d already planned on anyway, I just shrugged, waving at Luffy. “We’ll catch up later!” I called, just before we rounded a corner and the dock disappeared from view. Glancing back over my shoulder at my partner-in-crime, I shrugged her hand off my jacket and righted myself. “You know, I may have a sense of subtlety, but I also have  _ manners _ ,” I drawled, straightening my clothes in a huff of vague indignation (or rather, faking such to make sure Nami hadn’t swiped the journal. Which she hadn’t, yet, so that was one point in my favor, at least.)

“And  _ I _ have better things to do than let pirate treasure go unclaimed,” Nami snarked back as we settled into a brisk walking pace. “If I were here on my own, I’d be just fine, but I can’t rely on you to keep up an act like I can -” (and here I had to fight  _ very  _ hard to keep a straight face, which is probably gonna be a recurring thing for a while) “- so we’re going to be doing things the old-fashioned way.” Ever the professional, this girl. Honestly I couldn’t help but admire it, finally getting to talk to her in person.

“Breaking and entering?” I grinned, cracking my knuckles. “I can roll with that.”

“Good,” the apparent heist leader replied, “because normally I at least have the luxury of a day or two to scope out the area and plan my course.” Without breaking stride, she snapped together her three-piece staff and rested it on her shoulder. “Your captain and the swordsman are gonna make one hell of a distraction, if their knack for getting into trouble continues-”

“But of course,” I confirmed, stifling a grin as the image of Morgan’s dented steel jaw came to mind. God only knows what Buggy’s in for.

“- but if things go south Buggy’s treasury is gonna be under even heavier guard than it already is, if he’s even close to worth his bounty.” Nami heaved a heavy sigh, fingers drumming a steady beat on the dark wood of her staff. “And, of course, we have to  _ find _ the place.”

Ooh, info I  _ didn’t _ already have on hand. “Well…” I murmured, clasping my hands together behind my head as I craned my neck up to look at the sky, “if I had to guess, he’s probably set himself up on top of the town hall. Ego, you know?” Oh hey, there’s that bird that didn’t manage to eat Luffy this time. Wonder where it even lives…

Nami nodded, dragging me aside as we came to an intersection between the streets. “So he probably stashed his loot somewhere else,” she carried on, scanning side to side for any signs of life. “Not close enough where any of his cronies could slip away and steal something before he noticed they were gone, but not far enough that he can’t check up on it himself at a moment’s notice…”

...huh. She came out with that pretty quickly. Experience with this kind of target, or just instinct? “Makes sense,” I agreed, following close behind as Nami carried on to the next block. “So, what, maybe one or two blocks away from the base?”

“Narrows it down, but not enough,” she muttered, frowning. “I could probably pinpoint it if I had a higher view… ugh, this is why I need  _ time _ for these things.”

I paused, sprouting a couple of thin vines and tapping her on the shoulder. “I mean, if you need a boost I can- dog?”

Nami paused, frustration giving way to blank confusion. “...eh?”

“Dog.” I blinked in feigned surprise, pointing further down the street at a small white blob-shape sitting in the middle of the road. “I’m gonna go pet the dog.”

“Seriously?” my profoundly put-upon partner in crime groaned into her hands. “You’re just. Going to go pet a dog. Right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, grump at me later,” I replied, breaking into a light jog. “I got some  _ dog _ to pet.” I did feel a  _ little _ bad about leaving Nami behind in enemy territory - particularly as she let out a frustrated noise somewhere between a muffled scream and a choking gurgle, before stalking off down another alley - but petting this dog was a  _ vital _ task. Well, related to a vital task.  _ Well _ , not vital to the  _ story  _ as such, but it would be vital to our local reputation. But mostly to Shushu’s continued happiness. And really, who would throw away an opportunity to keep a dog from being sad?

Squatting down in front of the poor weatherbeaten pup, I held a hand out to him with a gentle smile. “Hey there, little buddy,” I said softly, wiggling my fingers; aside from a brief glance and a sniff, Shushu didn’t respond.

“Is this your shop?” After a moment, he gave a quiet  _ wuff _ I took as a yes.

“Well, I’ve got some money - do you mind if I go inside and buy something?” A longer pause this time, then the beginnings of a growl. Less than ideal.

“I can bring some food and water out for you too, if you’d like. Maybe a brush? You look like you need some TLC.” Still holding one hand out to him, I put the other on my chest. “I swear to dog I won’t take anything I don’t pay for,” I promised, in the most solemn voice I could manage while pledging honesty to a fluffy little dog, and after a moment’s consideration, Shushu  _ reached out and put his paw in mine oh my GOD I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH. _ “It’s a deal, then,” I concluded, giving the offered paw a shake and scratching him briefly behind the ears. “I’ll be back in a minute, little dude.”

_ Now let’s see, _ I thought to myself as I pushed open the door and made my way inside, stifling a pang of heartache at the dust clouds my footprints raised.  _ Dog brush, chew toy, dog biscuits… I’ve got a collar and leash, can’t fit a dog house on the rowboat… _

A couple minutes later and a couple thousand berries lighter, I stepped back through the door into the sunlight, arms laden with dog goods aaaaaand staring right at a big fuckin’ purple-maned lion having a staredown with Shushu. With a… very odd man perched atop it.

In the absence of any semblance of a plan as I realized  _ oh yeah, Mohji shows up here, doesn’t he,  _ my mouth opened on complete autopilot.

What I  _ meant _ to say: “You know, I really  _ really  _ would prefer if you could just… not start shit, for once? This is a nice shop.”

What actually came out: “Can I pet your cat?”


End file.
